Being Scolded

Just love and let them grow

My anger is volatile because I know how does being scolded feels like… You don’t like it at all…if u have been scolded by somebody…for whatever reason it may be…whether you have done anything or not…u always hate the person who scolds you.” Y is he talking to me like this…he also does the same but why can’t I…I didn’t do it but nobody would listen…what should I do that people should think twice before talking so rudely to me…when will they start treating me like a grown up?...I wanna live the way I like.” This is how every teenager feels. But we grow up and start treating the youngsters the same way we have been as we hardly have enough time to bring about a change.

The idea of scolding is only to keep the fear alive in one’s mind so that he may not attempt something which is bad for him directly or indirectly…for short span or for long term. The motive is to make him understand the fact. But out of anger we usually go on and add some unnecessary drama into the act which makes a deep and emotional impact inside the subject’s mind. This impact is hurting and the subject gets afraid of attempting the prohibited thing and people start believing that they succeeded in teaching the subject a lesson but actually the subject gets afraid of experiencing such a thing…which makes him insecure in his own family. Or the subject will get curious and might go on attempting the act behind everybody’s back which is a clear indication of a failure in getting the lesson taught. Who is the culprit??? The scolder.

What is the solution? Actions speak louder than words. If you want to carve a personality out of a teenager you have to lead by examples. Do things the way you want him to do. Speak of decent thoughts. Do noble deeds. Be honest. Create a healthy environment around. Encourage him to be a good human being. Rather than pushing back we should motivate them to turn around and move forward…towards the right direction. But what is right and what is wrong has to be conveyed to those who lack the understanding. The trick to success lies in the way the message is being conveyed. And the method depends upon the person whom you are dealing with. How can you induce him? Sometimes bribing can be handy but care should be taken that the real motive behind the exercise should be explained to the subject so that he can absorb it as part of his character.

Good companions are also very crucial and being one of his good companions is also very necessary as at this age he can very easily follow his companion rather than a scolding parent or a bossy sibling.

When things get out of control then boycotting can be effective but it is very painful both for you and for him. It’s a critical operation and the family bond becomes very sensitive during the execution.

Overall this phase of parenthood is very significant and all your experience and patience comes into play. Sculpting a good human being is a noble act and you should never lose your nerves until you are done with it.

Riders on the road #2--Delhi-Haridwar-Rishikesh-Dehradun-Mussourie-Delhi

10th April 2010…Six o’clock in the morning I, KK, Abhishek and Ankur…all set to hit the road. Shipra, Ghaziabad was the starting point. The search for NH-58 begun…only one mistake which cost us 20 minutes and then we were on track. The road was straight ahead and the wheels rolling. Cool breeze, open highway and pumping adrenaline. Ghaziabad…Modinagar…crossing Meerut the course was smooth…then began the toll road construction. Bandwidth allocated for half duplex was now being used for full duplex hence speed reduced to 40 kmph. Dust and traffic jams amplified the enthu and we moved on...

Our first halt…at 9:00 hrs in Muzaffar Nagar where we took our breakfast. Life had started its daily routine and people were on the road now. Temperature started raising hence the air density decreased which reduced the fluid friction and we accelerated from Muzaffar Nagar to Roorkee. We went on to touch Haridwar at 11:30 hrs. There we took a dip in The Ganges at Hari-ki-Paidi…the occasion being Mahakumbh. When you are stripping at a public place it is always embarrassing but once you go through it and get inside the water…oh God!!! It was chilling…you cannot feel anything else but heaven…specially when your brain…which was covered with a 4kg helmet throughout the journey…is boiling. KK had a strange reason not to join us in the thrill…according to his story nobody in his family can take bath in The Ganges for 6 months after the marriage of a family member…can you imagine? Anyways thanks KK for looking after our stuff when we were relaxing in the holy water. All the tiredness dissolved into the river and we were recharged.
Then we started for Rishikesh. Taking Shikanji and Ganne ka rass at intervals to beat the heat and traffic. Next project was to find a place to stay.

We had to cross the river for that and the path was through Ram Jhula. Nice experience of riding through the iron suspension bridge made in 1939…it was shaking under the influence of anabatic wind…the displacement being negotiated by the quad-directional suspensions.
We took a non ac room for Rs.1100 which is much more expensive than usual but we had no choice as it was the cheapest available and we had no prior bookings. Then we had our lunch in half a century old Choti Wala Restaurant. The food was awesome because we were much more than starving by then. The clock tower had the hour hand at 5…and I didn’t even bother to look at the rest…coz we needed rest.
We woke up at 19:30 hrs unfortunately missing the Aarti of the Swargashram…. I took out my maiden Capri, Ankur in his bum chums, Nuts(Abhishek) in pajamas and KK in jeans…none topless…went to the ghat and relaxed for sometime enjoying the cool. KK again trying to be as far from water as he could. We took some snaps and came back to the market.

Firangis are absolutely sanki people. We saw a lady sitting beside a beggar and asking him to train her how to beg. That poor fellow overwhelmed by her mere presence so close to him was shaking…though it might have been the happiest moment of his professional life. Well we went on not bothering whether he could transfer the expertise or not. Then another strange thing…a man with a collection of antique coins on sale had a 20 paise coin which he was selling for Rs.5 only.
Next morning was devoted for rafting. Got up early, had poori bhaji at Choti Wala and crossed Ram Jhula for the pick-up. Yogender who was going to be our raft captain came to take us. He had to pick some more people from his camp after which we moved on to Marine drive…our starting point for rafting. Got ourselves into the rafting gear…listened to the ultra important instructions…took some snaps…and took off.

 It was a moderate stretch so we practiced for some time. We were instructed to follow commands like forward, right back-left forward and vice versa, fall in-go back, join T etc…to pull someone into the raft and how to float in water with head upside. Only I and nuts had done rafting before so it took others some time to synchronize…Ankur has always been a quick learner but KK was the clumsy one. We were 8+1…the captain.

The command was ‘Forward’ and we rowed into “Good Morning” the first rapid. Rowing my friends is not so easy…it challenges the arms and back…do eat well before going for rafting. Then came “Black Money” another mild rapid. Mainly the command during a rapid is to row forward. “Cross fire” was the first splashy rapid. By now our rowing was synchronized. There were around 20 rafts moving together as a team…one after the other maintaining a distance so that we don’t crash into each other during a rapid. In still water we usually came closer. Splashing water…passing comments and having fun with strangers. Sun was bright and shiny so it was getting hot…so why let it be so…down I went in the river…nuts followed…then Ankur and guess who is the next one…KK…breaking all promises and not bothering about any rituals he was down inside

The Ganges living life to the fullest. “Three Blind Mice” coming ahead…we were pulled back by the other guys who were sharing the raft with us. First mice…rowing forward with full power…nasty river hitting from all directions…yet crossed it easily. Second mice again the same behavior…this time we lost and the mice won and splashed us twice. We were exhausted but had a plan for the Third mice…we dodged it rowing with less power and letting it push us out…well we didn’t do anything but it happened so. The next rapid was the most interesting one for me…”Body Surfing”.

Captain said u can jump in water away from the raft and swim through the rapid…nuts asked are u going?…I said yes and jumped…swimming in a fast moving river is so effortless but u must have life jacket on because there are numerous whirlpools in the rapids which can engulf you in and squeeze life out. I was floating towards and away from the raft to maintain an average distance… locomotion was provided by the current. I never went into the raft for the next twenty minutes…others joined in and we had a photo session.

On one side Ankur with one rope in hand…me and Nuts on the other side holding the other belt and rowing was not required anymore. We were simply pulling the raft along. There are patches of sand at the river banks at regular intervals. On one such patch there were some people taking sunbath and our eyes lost their virginity…Firangis again. We took a halt half a km ahead of the exhibition for relaxing our enervated (ciliary) muscles.

 
After Shivpuri a series of grade iii rapids laid waiting. “Return to Sender”…and we were ordered to row hard…there was a curb in the flow towards left with an elbow on the right. One of the rafts got stuck in the elbow because they were not rowing hard enough and were returned to the sender. Then came “Roller Coaster”…grade iii…up and down…left and right…water splashing from all sides…this is what was happening to the raft ahead of us…what happened to us I don’t know…as we entered into the rapid all I remember was that my captain shouting ‘forward’…and we screaming ‘cummon…yess…aaja…iskiiiiiiiiiii’ rest is censored. Somehow we crossed it. “Golf Course” was a similar experience and then “Club House” in which we didn’t have enough power to even shout. We arrived at the camp of the other four members of our raft…dropping them we rowed on.

For the next half hour we were all in the water including the captain this time…only KK was left on the raft. He was making videos and taking snaps. Then came the most daring rapid of all…the anonymous rapid…it seemed to be a very mild rapid but there is a hindi saying ‘Savdhani hati, durghatna ghati’…and so it happened. Ankur couldn’t entrap his leg in the raft for some reason. We were rowing forward…with him sitting on my left…suddenly…he was not there…he had accidentally misbalanced and fell down…and within seconds floated away from our raft…it still seemed ok because he was heading towards the other raft but he missed it and couldn’t catch it…he didn’t get any help because there was only the captain on that raft who was sitting on the opposite side…Ankur drowned…1…2…3...where did he go? Why isn’t he coming back up?...4…5 seconds over and he emerged out…sigh of relief. The rapid was over by then and he was easily pulled in. He was actually trapped in a whirlpool but the life jacket saved him. No rapids from there…slowly we moved forward…but the anabatic wind was hitting hard on the exhausted raft of ours…so we quit half km before our destination and bid goodbye to our captain Yogender.

Suddenly there was screaming somewhere around…and a lifeguard emerged out saving somebody. We were busy making a Shivling which we had to leave in an almost complete state because the police walas forced us to leave the bank.We took lunch and went back to the hotel…changed our clothes…took our bags and left for Dehradun. The meandering highway…green on both sides and the high trees didn’t allow the sun to torture us.

On the way we stopped to take some sugarcane energy and also some water but we couldn’t find the later…strange isn’t it?
Then we cruised on to stop at Lachhi Wala.

It’s an artificial stream flowing with different levels of deepness. Inside water again…and that too with a bed full of pebbles hurting the toe…too much now…so we left the place at 18:30 hrs and decided to go to Mussourie. Hilly road…dawn over…with no street lights…it was adventurous…and adventure is always risky. Ankur was riding, he followed an Alto…then I took over and followed the same…the Alto left us mid-way and we were on our own…then came an Ambassador and guided us through to Mussourie. At the starting of Maal road we met an agent who helped us get the room…much cheaper this time…just for 500 bucks. We took dinner with loads of chicken and slept concluding one long and memorable day.

Next morning we checked out the hotel at 10:00 hrs…had breakfast…and then climbed to the site seeing point by the trolley. It was cool there so we spent some time.We returned back to the hotel after having number of sessions of photography. Then we started the long journey back home. From Mussourie to Roorkee non-stop. At Roorkee we took lunch in a dhaba and drank lots of water. Relaxed for some time and even took a half bath under the hand pump. Then started again and kept on moving till we reached Ghaziabad. I could feel all my bones and nerves and so did they.
We were in a position that every km took a lifetime to pass…and the increasing traffic tested our patience. Left Ankur at Shipra and then moved on from Sector 62 to 37 and Amity Chowk with Nuts…then he diverged to Greater Noida and left me on my own from there to Malviya Nagar. At home when I first saw my face in the mirror it seemed as if I am coming from a coal mine. I took a long long bath and light dinner after which I had a deep deep sleep…I was actually floating in The Ganges again.

Engineering Lessons Part 3--The Secret

It was the end of 5^th semester and we for the first time were all invited by our TPO(Training and Placement Officer) to the auditorium. I thought it would be some kind of alert to start medicating the bruises of the academic record if required because the placements usually begin in the 6^th semester but surprisingly it was not so…

Everybody was silent as he entered…is anybody thinking that we were being disciplined…no we were just curious to listen to nothing but him. Mr. P.N. Koul a smart personality…must be in his 60s but quite in control of every block of his mind…and body. He seemed to be a very intelligent man and he was to some extent. He always knew what he wanted and how to use his resources to get to it…a commanding leader. He had an influential network and hence was paid so much by the committee. He had a history of being known as an efficacious TPO and that was partly the reason of our alacrity. Mic testing ‘Good afternoon everybody’...he said with a smile as if he was  going to announce a jackpot to some selected beggars who have been starving all their lives…and that increased our premonition. Just after five minutes our minds were scanning through all that we had and would be requiring to take the screening test as he had announced a placement opportunity the coming week.

Initially I was not included in the list of eligible candidates as I was falling short of a few marks but later on due to some misunderstanding I was allowed. Since it could be an embryonic juncture of my life I decided not to share it with my family. It was a win-win situation. I set free all my butterflies which I collectively describe as ‘Anticipatory Anxieties’ to adorn my life thereafter with colors of success. I used my weakness as my strength…read through and you will understand how. One week was over and I had imagined all what was going to happen if by any chance I get selected in this company. Stepping back into the real world…it was the day of the screening. Some of the questions were really interesting because I solved them myself and some were more than interesting because I didn’t have to solve them at all…thanks to my seniors. I cleared it…and started preparing for the interview as there was no GD. I was hopeless technically so I didn’t even think of preparing for it. But what I did was…I made myself very sure that even if I don’t perform well I am not going to feel disappointed about it and I never thought of not getting selected. I only kept on planning my celebration…I was actually living it. And it did happen…I got a JOB and the celebrations begun…which lasted for only three days. We were asked for our mark-sheets which clarified all the misunderstandings and the TPO said he will get the offer cancelled. I took it only as a threat from his side and remained in the misconception. I continued telling people about getting placed…never stopped partying…didn’t even avail the coming opportunities for the next one whole year. Last semester and I slightly touched the panic button…reality was horrible…so I released it again and returned back to the dreamland…and I could not disclose it to anybody because it was too late then…apparently not even to myself. But I started going for walk-ins etc…but just for the sake of going…at the back of my mind I never had any negative angst about job struggle…instead I was busy preparing my shopping list. Every time my friends who knew the actuality asked me about job, I gave them a worried look and simply say…’lets see what happens…’ only because apprehension was expected at such a stage but I could never accept the fact that I need to put in some effort as it was disquieting. Such a behavior is usually known as carelessness or over confidence but it gave me strength…or rather it kept the stress away. My motive was just to be cool and for that I chose to be in the fallacy. Sometimes assuming the cancellation of offer as just a commination…and other times believing that I won’t be struggling…but the real test of my patience was the ceremony of the offer letter distribution…I was really upset that day and jealous as well, it was kind of a farewell which I was not allowed to attend…or as if I could not graduate and hence was not invited for the convocation…I was sad…mainly because he had actually got my offer cancelled…’Curse Him!’

Exam pressure relieved all other pains and I was busy studying when one day out of nowhere I got a call from my friend who had his brother in some consultancy. He told me about this aviation company which had some requirements…initially I ignored but he insisted as I was required to send a confirmation mail for my appearance within half an hour…it was just a mail so I sent it. Just on the next day of my last paper of final semester was the screening test scheduled. Everything went well and I had an offer again as I had always believed. There was no chance of cancellation this time because I had a completely repaired resume. College life came to an end…nothing to do…no specific joining date was given so I could not leave the city. A diligent life had transformed into idle days and dull nights. Only one thing kept me alive…the sound of jet engine. I stayed in the southern part of the city quite near to the airport where a lot of air traffic movement took place. My eyes craved to arrest those giant birds within the focal point. Just after two months I got the joining…18^th September. It wasn’t as easy as I am sounding…there was some power backing up my destiny. I was among the four candidates out of more than four hundred who were finally selected. The final forty were supposed to be interviewed in four lots of ten each in which only two lots were invited and I was luckily in the first. It was a very normal interaction where u cannot understand what the IO would be looking for in you.

The story was all about the secret…which only a few may understand and even fewer may be able to absorb…and that is why it is still a secret. I never prepared myself to cross any hurdle...instead I imagined myself already on the other side. I agree with the fact that the intensity of disappointment increases ten folds when you don’t get something which you had imagined you already got. But its worth the risk…you have to be brave enough to let luck favor you. But we all have encountered a harsh reality…if you really want something to happen…it never does. You only wanted to get the passing marks though you did better still you get a compartment…you wanted there should be no rush on the street but it turns out to be most difficult time on road…you wish nobody would disturb you coz u were too tired and wanted to sleep for some time but people start remembering you all of a sudden. What was common in all these…there was a fear of getting a compartment, a fear of rush on the road, a fear of disturbance and guess what…u were gifted with all, the point is…all the time you were praying what was in your mind??? You were imagining yourself in the situation you did not want to be…the picture was negative. If you feel positive from inside you attract positive and if you feel negative you attract negative. Instead of praying for less or no traffic imagine a clear road ahead and feel that you are racing through, similarly don’t let the fear of failure irritate you…enjoy…either don’t think about it at all or assume that you shall pass. It’s the power of subconscious mind more commonly known as the heart. It has been believed that the subconscious mind of an individual is so powerful that it can control the position of the planets which govern the destiny. Hence the destiny is in your own control. Good things happen only to those who feel good from inside…

“Worry attracts more worry. Anxiety attracts more anxiety. Unhappiness attracts more unhappiness. Dissatisfaction attracts more dissatisfaction.

AND . . .

Joy attracts more joy. Happiness attracts more happiness. Peace attracts more peace. Gratitude attracts more gratitude. Kindness attracts more kindness. Love attracts more love.

Your job is an inside one. To change your world, all you have to do is change the way you feel inside. How easy is that?”

--Rhonda Byrne

I never knew all this…its only a nexus between what I thought and what I got. Had I known the secret I could have been anything and everything which I can imagine myself as…and only knowing the secret isn’t enough…you have to practice it…which my friends is far from possible to some people and impossible to others(most of them)…its completely your choice what you believe in now onwards…just remember that far from possible is still achievable…and I am just trying to believe in this fact…that is why I have related it with my story…and I want you all to believe in it and may good things happen to you as well.

It is necessary to dream big to achieve big and to dream big you need to have all the information about your destination…so that you can imagine yourself at the acme.

I wonder why the character of expectation is qualm in nature more often than not. You can always let the grief effect you after the results and be relaxed…continue making efforts with a positive heart (subconscious mind). Your positive approach may attract positive conclusion. May the Anticipatory Anxieties always be colorful butterflies…

Engineering lessons Part 2—Living alone is hell.

Its an all time fact that marriage in our country is mandatory for every citizen…not because its in the law but because it’s a social compulsion. But why is it so…? Why is everybody so eager to sentence life imprisonment to two approximately innocent souls before they commit the crime of ruining each other’s life…first get punished and then get crooked…harsh. But the saying is still very true…”Shadi ka laddoo…jo khaye wo bhi pachhtaye, jo na khaye wo bhi pachhtaye”.


It was the end of first year and I had screwed up everything. First year results…shameful, physical exercise…nil, diet…improper. I was living with an unhealthy mind in an unhealthy body hence an unhealthy decision was taken…of leaving the college hostel. I was not the only one to leave the hostel but since the decision was late I had no partner to share a flat with. So I began searching for a reasonable PG and I got one. Rs. 2500/- for a room and 3 daily meals per month. Good enough…Get, Set and Go.

“Living alone is going to be so productive for me…studies, exercise and guitar, everything with no one around to disturb or get disturbed…I am going to make the most out of myself for the first time in my life.” Such was my mindset when I started living alone. I was excited…getting up early in the morning, get ready, take breakfast, go to college, come back, take snacks and tea, go to the room, take some rest, do some strumming, take dinner, study and go to bed. There was no problem with this routine but I could continue it only for a week, all the enthusiasm started fading, I started skipping my breakfast due to laziness, getting late for college, reach back really tired and sleep for too long…no more music in life, open the book but studying wasn’t necessary anymore…wondering why? I could not have discovered the actual reason if I had not taken that unhealthy decision. There was no one to appreciate, no one to motivate, no one to compete with and no one to compare. Life is meaningless without relativity. If you achieve the ultimate in something you will lose interest in it because there is nothing else to work upon. If you are running alone in the race, why would you run? Hence you will start slowing down, start declining and eventually get destroyed. Well practically its not that facile…you will definitely start living again before you die. And the solution is…you should find a partner.


Man is the only social animal…strength or weakness? It’s both because every coin has two faces. Being social man can extract magnificence out of dust…that’s strength but man can’t live alone…that’s weakness. One must have somebody to take care of…no matter how much that person irritates you or how much you hate him/her…if you are spending your life with that person you can’t stop yourself falling in love with him/her…its human nature…there should be some shoulder to rely upon, somebody who would get worried for you, who would long for you if you are not around, who would listen to you, who would understand, who would irritate as well, somebody whose cute activity would make you giggle, somebody whom you can fight with, in front of whom you can cry and not feel embarrassed, somebody with whom you can be YOU.

Whatever your taste may be straight or non-straight you have to find a partner for yourself. Right now I am living with my friends but its not going to be this way for too long, everybody will get settled down and have their own families. I know that I can’t live alone so very soon I need to find somebody who can tolerate me for the rest of my life…and whom I would also happily tolerate. The search is on…

Try

Remember those times when we learnt A, B, C…I recall those days as horrible memories…mom used to scold me badly to make me learn it…somehow I could do the oral part but writing…I always needed a helping hand which would hold my hand and make me write…as long as that my hand was held I would write correctly but I took no time to leave the pencil if the support is gone…I was so hopeless…mom I still remember those slaps…I frustrated her so much…so much that she lost all her patience and abused me… ”suar” she said one day…so cute it makes me laugh now…I feel so sorry…I made her tolerate such apathy…and thankful too that she never quit.
All through our school life we learn then we move on to pursue a degree…academic or a sport or some art and we learn more but as we grow older we find it difficult to learn new things. We don’t see our parents…who are in their 50s now…use even half the functions of a normal mobile phone or sit on the desktop and open a WordPad…what excuse do we hear for things like such?...”I am afraid I might damage the machine”…’damage’ opening a WordPad…ha…don’t be afraid…come on…at least give it a TRY. Even after hours or days of motivation and even if you demonstrate them the procedure and even make them practice it they will not be able to repeat the same thing all by themselves the next time. They really don’t require it…why exercise the rusted grey matter when things are going fine?
Learning is a habit and believe me there is no age limit for it…the only limit is us…as long as we find the need of learning we keep on…and as soon as we get settled in our lives we start avoiding to learn new things. As time flies by we start forgetting the process of learning and even if we make an attempt to start something new we get frustrated too early and stop making efforts…and we accept the universal excuse…’its not the age to learn such a thing’.
Many of you may be wondering what the ‘Process of learning’ is. People learn so much in life but they don’t learn how to learn. It’s a fact…and only a few may accept it. Well…try, try and try again till you succeed is the tagline…and it goes with all age groups…it only demands more time and trials from the oldies as compared to the youngsters. When you start something new…you definitely won’t be able to do it at one go…you break it into pieces of exercise and start from the most basic…practice continuously…and try and reach to the next level every time you feel confident about the things learnt so far. Don’t get frustrated…try and enjoy your mistakes…laugh it out…and do it again…the brain never refuses to learn…it only needs some time, some more attempts, some motivation of course and the most important…some margin of error for the initial phase. Every time you stumble…repeat the drill and keep on repeating until your mind starts getting stressed. When under stress…entertain your mind and try to gain confidence…or take a break. It won’t take more than ten days to learn the most difficult piece if practiced continuously…or even if it takes fifteen days it’s not bad…just don’t leave practicing. The path is hard but the destination is harmonic.

Learning is a good habit…don’t leave it. If you are over with one thing start something else so that you keep on practicing the process of learning because to start all over again is every time strenuous.

Anticipatory Anxiety

I don’t know if any of you do or ever did it but I used to waste my time and spoil my health doing it, it was my habit and guess what? …. I didn’t know that.

Thanks to Dr. Gupta…a biochemist who was recommended to me by my cousin brother who made me realize it. I used to think a lot….about what happened throughout the day…about what may happen tomorrow…about what could have been better…about how can tomorrow be a better day for me and for my frenz. Why did I think that way…may be because of lack of satisfaction or contentment…may be because I wanted to be something more than what I was…somebody more happening…somebody more lively…but where was the life…partly in yesterday and rest in tomorrow…today being pissed off.

It was the time when I used to prepare for competitions and healthy and regular studies was more than crucial to me. Yet I was unable to avoid wasting time. Whenever I used to sit taking a target of 2 hours continuous studies…oh I am so much afraid of even remembering that time…I would get so lost in my own virtual life that I would even forget blinking my eye lids. The book is open, my eyes right on top of it, my hands around it…my concentration at its peak…but my brain is playing a jig-saw puzzle with the neurons making pictures of all possible circumstances, proceedings, situations, occurrences, developments, changes, junctures, actions and conclusions…all far from real life. And thus I wasted two most decisive years of my life.

When I first met Dr. Gupta I was really irritated coz I had to wait too much long…and all the time I was obviously …thinking…and I had completely exhausted my brains out…there was nothing else left to be sorry about…but when he opened his mouth I found another thing to be sorry about…why…”why the hell did I come here?” Wasted three complete hours to hear that shit…first thing the doc said after examining my tongue was…”Dude you are absolutely normal…the only problem with you is anticipatory anxiety…”

“What?”…I said.

“Yeah…i.e. you have a habit of living in the future, trying all permutations and combinations of the way events can happen in near future or trying to re-live the past.”

I said—“I do not understand what you are saying.”

He continued…”Look son…answer me honestly…don’t you think a lot? Don’t you keep on asking yourself that I should have not done this, I should have not done that, should not have said a particular thing and should have said something else instead…maybe I hurt person X, maybe I would have entertained person Y more and stuff like that?”

I was completely puzzled to what he said and could not accept it as truth…it was loathsome…it was annoying…yet another reason for being sad and worried. It was easy to decide…I am not going to that place again to waste a single minute to listen to a moron like him…but a far corner of my mind believed in it…what if it was all true? I gave it a chance…a thought…and guess what? A miracle did happen…he was right…word by word. I was losing my health because my thoughts were too unhealthy…which created anxiety and troubles for my stomach machinery to work properly. That was the diagnosis not the treatment.

Very slowly and very gradually I could get rid of this disease…I had to tame my brain otherwise…I had to first make myself realize and accept this whole thing and then get out of this habit…it was like quitting smoking.

Now I am out of it…I don’t anticipate…my brain is much domesticated now and moreover I don’t regret about my past…neither do I plan about my future…I live in present.

My School

This one is dedicated to The Principal and few good teachers of my school.

Bishop Johnson School was the only school I studied in right from kindergarten to senior secondary. Initially it was only a Primary then it became secondary and later on in the 1992 senior secondary was introduced and now it’s a college offering grad courses affiliated to a century old Agriculture university of Allahabad. It kept on growing with us. We have seen every bit of the development and we have learnt how to manage the change…how to improve and how to take care of the improvement.
Oh what a great school!!!...during the starting years I remember we could hear bomb explosions inside the campus…guys of secondary riding bikes inside the corridor…they taught us how to cross roads! Students carrying pistols and knives and pointing them to the teachers if by mistake they showed any bit of anger. But all through this I had the company of people who had the fear of doing such things so I also never attempted. Till then the new building of the school had been constructed and it was the best time to start senior secondary but Mr. N.L. Singh our princi waited for one more year so that he can get rid of the worst batch the school had ever had. Intelligent. That was the turning point because thereafter the graph has always grown.
Discipline was introduced for the first time…reduced bunking, regular classes, proper uniform, prayers, attendance…and Education. Everything was getting better. They had started fixing grills around the centre field which later on became the first garden of the school. Then we had the Basket-ball courts inside it. I wonder from where did they manufacture those good players…and that’s not it…even one of the guard was a national player of basket-ball. The construction of the top floor of the new building had started and a new feature was introduced…rumor. Everybody had their own imagination about it. Some said its going to be a swimming pool…while according to some it was the hostel…some had the feeling it would be an audi while some had gone far enough to imagine it as a degree college. Who knew that the princi had everything in mind but it was none of the above.
Our field had a new boundary and stadium now…we were very thrilled and were looking forward to participate in sports that year…what motivation does an addition in the infrastructure brings. The student teacher relation had shaped up so well that we suggested for student v/s staff football and cricket tournaments that year for the first time in the history. That was 1998…it took 6 years for that and much more…we had badminton courts, our uniform was changed, cultural events, NCC, computer Lab. , coaching for sports like cricket, football, basket-ball, boxing etc and guess what, the top floor had now…science labs, bigger classrooms for senior secondary, a much bigger and better library and a fully equipped auditorium.
It was 1999 and the summer vacations were just over…I was excited. Entered school after a long time…same old friends, same teachers, same guards, same princi… same family. Same walls but no…there was some thing more…a condude running all through the walls going inside every classroom with a strange hole at the top rear corner covered with glass and a speaker…and there were rumours again…the most strange one being…”it’s the camera that bloddy princi has installed in every class to monitor us so that we don’t steal anything from his property as though we belong to a family of thieves”…and we laughed at it. We were stupid…it was the camera to monitor the activities of every class and the speaker to keep things in control from a remote place…no points for guessing that one…princi’s cabin of course.
Our princi had a vision…he transformed a war field to a temple of education. He transformed our present which was our future back then which could have been much worse…it could have been guns and knives but it’s a pen and a guitar…it could have been rage and anger but its wisdom and happiness, it could have been a jail buts it’s the Delhi airport and I am a responsible citizen of the country.
There are some teachers also who have their own priceless contribution in making me the person I am. Starting with Mrs. Dutt…she taught us in Upper KG and never forgot our names…she remembered each one of us…bigger memory than google…and she is a loving soul…she always had the warmth we used to get from her when we were kids. Mrs. Halsey was also very loving but she left school, Mr. Ghosh and Mr. Lartius were our entertainment duo…then the revision and canes of Mr. Hanvey and the class room training and games period of Mr. Dutt…our sports in charge. Mrs. Yafat ki aafat aur Mrs. Washington ka confusion…they were cute. Mrs Rawate ke physics ke funde aur Mr. Tiwari ke BASIC logic building lectures. Mr. Peter ki dinge aur Mr. Sharma ki fizool bakwaas. Mr. Areal of course…he didn’t teach us that much but he was a good teacher. Mrs. Srivastava ki beautiful smile aur Mrs. Singh ka perfect attitude. Ek taraf the aalsi langdu Mishra aur ek taraf Mrs. Harold aur Mr. Das jaise hard working teachers. Mrs. Mall who taught us history civics and some English as well…I remember making a file that she had asked all of us to prepare…which she found the best an encouraged me a lot and I got some recognition for my work in the class…and Sushant who happened to be a very good friend of mine was humiliated in front of the whole class because his work was being compared with mine…why he???...his full name is Sushant Mall and he is still my one of the best buddies and will always be. Last but not at all the least in fact the most important of all Mrs. David who taught us many things of life…how to love…how to be polite…how to volunteer…how to take a responsibility…how to think creative, I remember that bulletin board competition of class 9th when Rohit showed all his enthu and creativity and helped me open my eyes and taught me to think beyond boundaries. I will fall short of words to describe my feelings for her because she is the creator of my creativity…she gave us such opportunities that we are blessed with such memories.
Then there were two picnics both to Siddhanath ki Dari…one in 9th and one in 11th and both were ultimate experiences.
I don’t want to elaborate much on friends because it will become too long…just mentioning the names…Sushant, Rohit, Abhishek, Nishith, Garima,Vandana, Megha, Nami, Nisha, Utsav, Ravish, Shalini, Shilpi, Parul, Mansi, Shailendra, Gaurav, Mohd. Mauz, Sharath,Shera, Nadeem, Varun Kumar, Varun Lalwani, Anurag, Vibhakar, Ankit, Rajiv, Saurabh, Ashutosh, Shailja, Ashwin and the list is unending. Only a few of us are still together…we were always together right from ground zero and will always be…I can’t tell you what these guys mean to me because they are parts of me…I could not have survived without them and now I can’t live without them.

feel like crying...

it was the time when my grandmother died...the first death in front of me...i did not cry...why? i don't know...maybe it was better...at least she didn't have to bear that pain of that cancer again which was there engulfing her bladder...but everybody around was weeping...she actually was no more.

a strange thought struck me...maybe i am grown enough to cry...maybe i understand the harsh reality of life...or maybe in the confusion of what to do to be a good student or sportsman or son i forgot the emotions...i was a kid then.

i kept on thinking about this for many years...I had not cried after most painful accidents...I had not cried after getting scolded for getting failed in the papers...I had not cried in shame after getting caught red handed while cheating from a chit in the exam. I used to tell people “I can never cry…mere aansu sookh gaye hai(my tear glands have dried)”

You know what it feels when a person cries??? lemme try...oh come on u can gimme 1 chance. gale me achanak vacuum create hone lagta hai(vacuum in the throat), and it becomes dry as though all water has been supplied to the eyes to let go the tears...you can't breath anymore...some kind of pressure is formed inside the face which feels like it’s about to explode...but as soon as that tiny little drop of water trickles from either eye...or for that matter even nose...that pressure is relieved...huh! embarrassing for guys yaar...who cries???Well...i do...yeah but not when i am sad. i cry when i am really happy or when i see some emotional scene...like the one in 3 idiots when both FARHANITRATE and PRERAJULIZATION get their jobs and come to Rancho to say "jahan panah tussi gr8 ho...tohfa qubool kijiye"...i couldn't stop myself to cry sitting beside my sister...well she knows me nothing to worry about. You know when things really touch me in movies?...when somebody does something which makes their parents or teachers or lovers really proud...i also wanna be the same...somebody who can make a difference.

I really liked it when dad said "your guitar teacher is a good teacher, even I wanna try some strumming"...i was strumming the chords of 'papa kehte hai...' and was singing along. That poor fellow doesn't understand that it’s not my teacher but my brother whom he should give the credit...he is my inspiration...he is my strength. He was happy listening to that…I forgot to thank him…well it would have been unnecessarily dramatic…guys don’t do that…you don’t thank your friend, do u? But it made me happy…my father who happens to be the biggest pessimist on earth, who seems to have taken an oath to criticize others for the smallest problems faced ever since childhood, who if given a choice to encourage somebody and stop breathing might chose the latter. That person had said the above mentioned words…that was BIG.
Well I am drifting away from the topic…let’s sail back. I said I may never cry…oh come on…try engineering…you cannot come out without crying…but do leave home if you wanna experience real engineering stuff and join the hostel. Or try falling in love…but when you love don’t think otherwise…don’t lose your trust…don’t listen to others…when you love…just Love. Listen to what your heart says and not your ego...its real life my friends…to be in true love is not anybody’s game. I will ask you how does it feel like when your true love is ignored…when people behave absolutely opposite of what they recently were…when they out of nowhere find it hard to even recognize you…when they do not hesitate in lying to the person who trusted them the most…just to avoid him…it feels like crying…it really feels like crying…but I don’t cry…I don’t cry for such people…I don’t cry when I am sad…Well these days I only cry while watching movies…thanks Amir you reminded me how to cry.
It really feels good if you don’t holdback your emotions and let go…feel the freedom…don’t hesitate because of embarrassment…if you feel like laughing…laugh loudly…and the world will laugh with you…and if you really really feel like crying…cry…no matter if you cry alone.

Engineering Lessons Part 1

I recently was listening to my friend who was playing Annie's song on his acoustic guitar unplugged...oh boy!!! He really played well...I could make out the sound of every note that was in the original composition with the absolutely correct rhythm!!! How can anybody do that???Thats my target, thats how well i should be playing. Another day i was in the pool and was trying my speed and stamina...10 minutes of continuous freestyle and i had just covered 3 complete rounds of the breadth or 60 m whichever sounds more respectful...well none i suppose coz thats too slow. I must work hard,need to spend more time in the pool.How can I manufacture some more hours for myself in the day? I know I can't.In the common hall with table tennis bat in the right hand struggling to defeat the opponent and everytime a smash shattered my defenses i lost the hope of winning.
Like most of the youth I also don't want to continue a job oriented life for too long. With many business plans in the mind and no money in the pocket we just chat about it that someday we will have a setup of our own. Why not!! But when and how? Well...is becoming a writer also in the list??? Of course not.And yes last but not the least...I wanna have a good enough physique...why??...you all know why.
So many things to learn

so much money to earn.

Everyday there is a new goal to work upon

can't just focus on one.

That is when i became an engineer. All the four years of college life I easily waisted in deciding which way to go. When i started working for 1 thing other goals would start attracting me. Confusions confusions confusions...where is the focus? LOST. There were only 2 questions:-

i) Why I should do it?

ii) Why I should not do it?

The bad part was...many answers for question(ii) but not a single answer for (i) the outcome was null.
Don't think that I have been thinking about myself only. There was a lot to confess to dear ones, many questions to be asked but being a 5 pointer and moreover a confused personality I could hardly gain confidence to speak. Always wanted to achieve something before opening my big mouth.
As they say 'better late than never' final sem was the time when i realised that to express something or to confess something you don't need to have an achievement in your resume...you just have to say it from the bottom of your heart. In fact if you achieve something and then say...it won't be from the core it would be a formality. Its a win win situation and when you are on the safe side you cannot "confess". Its just like you are proposing a girl and it doesn't matter what the answer is, u don't have a problem if it is a "NO". It can't be true love.
So i picked up my phone and went through the phonebook...it took me half an hour and I burst into tears.Two more weeks and things were better than normal. Another chapter to be closed...phonebook again...and I dialed a "U". No matter what she said was true or not...accepting it as a truth was good enough to forget her. I felt aloneness...there is a difference in loneliness and aloneness...aloneness is not painful, its when you are complete and happy with no one else around. I felt freedom.Doing something is always better than not doing anything.

I thought over my list again...some things were deleted some were added. First things first. I started with guitar first and fortunately I got company this time to practice with, three good friends. Then came summer and I was in the pool again and now I know three styles other than freestyle.I am consistent this time, I don't think about question (ii) anymore. Only two things at a time and the confusion is gone.There is a lot to do but I will wait...at least I am not wasting my time and I have plans to utilize my future as well.

my first love...

though i ve never been into a relationship called love...but i have loved once...loved her so very much that i can't remember anyone or anything else of that phase of life(that was in the mid of class 12th) i could never express her the way i should have i realised it later...she knew it and she loved me too...don't know how much but yes she did or be it a misconception it gives me strength and thats not a bad bargain...i don't regret whatever happened whatever i lost, in fact i thank God for blessing me with the so far best memories of my life...my first love. On the day of the 2nd Board paper I spoke to her for the last time and then I parted from her and the best part was that i parted bringing a smile on her face...pure happiness...joy from the bottom of her heart...that was the time when i felt like i have done something no one else could have done, i felt so strong that day that i can defeat any trouble...to keep that smile blossoming i could have done anything...i could have died or taken a million lives whatever is required. what i wanted was nothing more than a sign of acceptance that yes she loved me too...she gave it to me that day...I love you and will always do...can't love anyone else so madly...i miss many of others but i don't miss you...sounds strange isn't it...no the truth is she never parted from me...she is there watching me from beside...enjoys every moment of happiness that i bring...keeps me from doing wrong...feels proud on some act of kindness...boasts at my achievements...soothes my grievances...feels sad at my failures...cries when i am too busy to even think of her...I can't stop loving her...tu hai aasman mein teri ye zami hai, tu jo hai to sab kuch hai na koi kami hai, tu hi dil hai tu hi jaan bhi hai, tu khushi hai aasra bhi, teri chahat zindagi hai, tu muhobbat...tu ashiqui hai.