feel like crying...

it was the time when my grandmother died...the first death in front of me...i did not cry...why? i don't know...maybe it was better...at least she didn't have to bear that pain of that cancer again which was there engulfing her bladder...but everybody around was weeping...she actually was no more.

a strange thought struck me...maybe i am grown enough to cry...maybe i understand the harsh reality of life...or maybe in the confusion of what to do to be a good student or sportsman or son i forgot the emotions...i was a kid then.

i kept on thinking about this for many years...I had not cried after most painful accidents...I had not cried after getting scolded for getting failed in the papers...I had not cried in shame after getting caught red handed while cheating from a chit in the exam. I used to tell people “I can never cry…mere aansu sookh gaye hai(my tear glands have dried)”

You know what it feels when a person cries??? lemme try...oh come on u can gimme 1 chance. gale me achanak vacuum create hone lagta hai(vacuum in the throat), and it becomes dry as though all water has been supplied to the eyes to let go the tears...you can't breath anymore...some kind of pressure is formed inside the face which feels like it’s about to explode...but as soon as that tiny little drop of water trickles from either eye...or for that matter even nose...that pressure is relieved...huh! embarrassing for guys yaar...who cries???Well...i do...yeah but not when i am sad. i cry when i am really happy or when i see some emotional scene...like the one in 3 idiots when both FARHANITRATE and PRERAJULIZATION get their jobs and come to Rancho to say "jahan panah tussi gr8 ho...tohfa qubool kijiye"...i couldn't stop myself to cry sitting beside my sister...well she knows me nothing to worry about. You know when things really touch me in movies?...when somebody does something which makes their parents or teachers or lovers really proud...i also wanna be the same...somebody who can make a difference.

I really liked it when dad said "your guitar teacher is a good teacher, even I wanna try some strumming"...i was strumming the chords of 'papa kehte hai...' and was singing along. That poor fellow doesn't understand that it’s not my teacher but my brother whom he should give the credit...he is my inspiration...he is my strength. He was happy listening to that…I forgot to thank him…well it would have been unnecessarily dramatic…guys don’t do that…you don’t thank your friend, do u? But it made me happy…my father who happens to be the biggest pessimist on earth, who seems to have taken an oath to criticize others for the smallest problems faced ever since childhood, who if given a choice to encourage somebody and stop breathing might chose the latter. That person had said the above mentioned words…that was BIG.
Well I am drifting away from the topic…let’s sail back. I said I may never cry…oh come on…try engineering…you cannot come out without crying…but do leave home if you wanna experience real engineering stuff and join the hostel. Or try falling in love…but when you love don’t think otherwise…don’t lose your trust…don’t listen to others…when you love…just Love. Listen to what your heart says and not your ego...its real life my friends…to be in true love is not anybody’s game. I will ask you how does it feel like when your true love is ignored…when people behave absolutely opposite of what they recently were…when they out of nowhere find it hard to even recognize you…when they do not hesitate in lying to the person who trusted them the most…just to avoid him…it feels like crying…it really feels like crying…but I don’t cry…I don’t cry for such people…I don’t cry when I am sad…Well these days I only cry while watching movies…thanks Amir you reminded me how to cry.
It really feels good if you don’t holdback your emotions and let go…feel the freedom…don’t hesitate because of embarrassment…if you feel like laughing…laugh loudly…and the world will laugh with you…and if you really really feel like crying…cry…no matter if you cry alone.