Engineering lessons Part 2—Living alone is hell.

Its an all time fact that marriage in our country is mandatory for every citizen…not because its in the law but because it’s a social compulsion. But why is it so…? Why is everybody so eager to sentence life imprisonment to two approximately innocent souls before they commit the crime of ruining each other’s life…first get punished and then get crooked…harsh. But the saying is still very true…”Shadi ka laddoo…jo khaye wo bhi pachhtaye, jo na khaye wo bhi pachhtaye”.


It was the end of first year and I had screwed up everything. First year results…shameful, physical exercise…nil, diet…improper. I was living with an unhealthy mind in an unhealthy body hence an unhealthy decision was taken…of leaving the college hostel. I was not the only one to leave the hostel but since the decision was late I had no partner to share a flat with. So I began searching for a reasonable PG and I got one. Rs. 2500/- for a room and 3 daily meals per month. Good enough…Get, Set and Go.

“Living alone is going to be so productive for me…studies, exercise and guitar, everything with no one around to disturb or get disturbed…I am going to make the most out of myself for the first time in my life.” Such was my mindset when I started living alone. I was excited…getting up early in the morning, get ready, take breakfast, go to college, come back, take snacks and tea, go to the room, take some rest, do some strumming, take dinner, study and go to bed. There was no problem with this routine but I could continue it only for a week, all the enthusiasm started fading, I started skipping my breakfast due to laziness, getting late for college, reach back really tired and sleep for too long…no more music in life, open the book but studying wasn’t necessary anymore…wondering why? I could not have discovered the actual reason if I had not taken that unhealthy decision. There was no one to appreciate, no one to motivate, no one to compete with and no one to compare. Life is meaningless without relativity. If you achieve the ultimate in something you will lose interest in it because there is nothing else to work upon. If you are running alone in the race, why would you run? Hence you will start slowing down, start declining and eventually get destroyed. Well practically its not that facile…you will definitely start living again before you die. And the solution is…you should find a partner.


Man is the only social animal…strength or weakness? It’s both because every coin has two faces. Being social man can extract magnificence out of dust…that’s strength but man can’t live alone…that’s weakness. One must have somebody to take care of…no matter how much that person irritates you or how much you hate him/her…if you are spending your life with that person you can’t stop yourself falling in love with him/her…its human nature…there should be some shoulder to rely upon, somebody who would get worried for you, who would long for you if you are not around, who would listen to you, who would understand, who would irritate as well, somebody whose cute activity would make you giggle, somebody whom you can fight with, in front of whom you can cry and not feel embarrassed, somebody with whom you can be YOU.

Whatever your taste may be straight or non-straight you have to find a partner for yourself. Right now I am living with my friends but its not going to be this way for too long, everybody will get settled down and have their own families. I know that I can’t live alone so very soon I need to find somebody who can tolerate me for the rest of my life…and whom I would also happily tolerate. The search is on…

Try

Remember those times when we learnt A, B, C…I recall those days as horrible memories…mom used to scold me badly to make me learn it…somehow I could do the oral part but writing…I always needed a helping hand which would hold my hand and make me write…as long as that my hand was held I would write correctly but I took no time to leave the pencil if the support is gone…I was so hopeless…mom I still remember those slaps…I frustrated her so much…so much that she lost all her patience and abused me… ”suar” she said one day…so cute it makes me laugh now…I feel so sorry…I made her tolerate such apathy…and thankful too that she never quit.
All through our school life we learn then we move on to pursue a degree…academic or a sport or some art and we learn more but as we grow older we find it difficult to learn new things. We don’t see our parents…who are in their 50s now…use even half the functions of a normal mobile phone or sit on the desktop and open a WordPad…what excuse do we hear for things like such?...”I am afraid I might damage the machine”…’damage’ opening a WordPad…ha…don’t be afraid…come on…at least give it a TRY. Even after hours or days of motivation and even if you demonstrate them the procedure and even make them practice it they will not be able to repeat the same thing all by themselves the next time. They really don’t require it…why exercise the rusted grey matter when things are going fine?
Learning is a habit and believe me there is no age limit for it…the only limit is us…as long as we find the need of learning we keep on…and as soon as we get settled in our lives we start avoiding to learn new things. As time flies by we start forgetting the process of learning and even if we make an attempt to start something new we get frustrated too early and stop making efforts…and we accept the universal excuse…’its not the age to learn such a thing’.
Many of you may be wondering what the ‘Process of learning’ is. People learn so much in life but they don’t learn how to learn. It’s a fact…and only a few may accept it. Well…try, try and try again till you succeed is the tagline…and it goes with all age groups…it only demands more time and trials from the oldies as compared to the youngsters. When you start something new…you definitely won’t be able to do it at one go…you break it into pieces of exercise and start from the most basic…practice continuously…and try and reach to the next level every time you feel confident about the things learnt so far. Don’t get frustrated…try and enjoy your mistakes…laugh it out…and do it again…the brain never refuses to learn…it only needs some time, some more attempts, some motivation of course and the most important…some margin of error for the initial phase. Every time you stumble…repeat the drill and keep on repeating until your mind starts getting stressed. When under stress…entertain your mind and try to gain confidence…or take a break. It won’t take more than ten days to learn the most difficult piece if practiced continuously…or even if it takes fifteen days it’s not bad…just don’t leave practicing. The path is hard but the destination is harmonic.

Learning is a good habit…don’t leave it. If you are over with one thing start something else so that you keep on practicing the process of learning because to start all over again is every time strenuous.

Anticipatory Anxiety

I don’t know if any of you do or ever did it but I used to waste my time and spoil my health doing it, it was my habit and guess what? …. I didn’t know that.

Thanks to Dr. Gupta…a biochemist who was recommended to me by my cousin brother who made me realize it. I used to think a lot….about what happened throughout the day…about what may happen tomorrow…about what could have been better…about how can tomorrow be a better day for me and for my frenz. Why did I think that way…may be because of lack of satisfaction or contentment…may be because I wanted to be something more than what I was…somebody more happening…somebody more lively…but where was the life…partly in yesterday and rest in tomorrow…today being pissed off.

It was the time when I used to prepare for competitions and healthy and regular studies was more than crucial to me. Yet I was unable to avoid wasting time. Whenever I used to sit taking a target of 2 hours continuous studies…oh I am so much afraid of even remembering that time…I would get so lost in my own virtual life that I would even forget blinking my eye lids. The book is open, my eyes right on top of it, my hands around it…my concentration at its peak…but my brain is playing a jig-saw puzzle with the neurons making pictures of all possible circumstances, proceedings, situations, occurrences, developments, changes, junctures, actions and conclusions…all far from real life. And thus I wasted two most decisive years of my life.

When I first met Dr. Gupta I was really irritated coz I had to wait too much long…and all the time I was obviously …thinking…and I had completely exhausted my brains out…there was nothing else left to be sorry about…but when he opened his mouth I found another thing to be sorry about…why…”why the hell did I come here?” Wasted three complete hours to hear that shit…first thing the doc said after examining my tongue was…”Dude you are absolutely normal…the only problem with you is anticipatory anxiety…”

“What?”…I said.

“Yeah…i.e. you have a habit of living in the future, trying all permutations and combinations of the way events can happen in near future or trying to re-live the past.”

I said—“I do not understand what you are saying.”

He continued…”Look son…answer me honestly…don’t you think a lot? Don’t you keep on asking yourself that I should have not done this, I should have not done that, should not have said a particular thing and should have said something else instead…maybe I hurt person X, maybe I would have entertained person Y more and stuff like that?”

I was completely puzzled to what he said and could not accept it as truth…it was loathsome…it was annoying…yet another reason for being sad and worried. It was easy to decide…I am not going to that place again to waste a single minute to listen to a moron like him…but a far corner of my mind believed in it…what if it was all true? I gave it a chance…a thought…and guess what? A miracle did happen…he was right…word by word. I was losing my health because my thoughts were too unhealthy…which created anxiety and troubles for my stomach machinery to work properly. That was the diagnosis not the treatment.

Very slowly and very gradually I could get rid of this disease…I had to tame my brain otherwise…I had to first make myself realize and accept this whole thing and then get out of this habit…it was like quitting smoking.

Now I am out of it…I don’t anticipate…my brain is much domesticated now and moreover I don’t regret about my past…neither do I plan about my future…I live in present.

My School

This one is dedicated to The Principal and few good teachers of my school.

Bishop Johnson School was the only school I studied in right from kindergarten to senior secondary. Initially it was only a Primary then it became secondary and later on in the 1992 senior secondary was introduced and now it’s a college offering grad courses affiliated to a century old Agriculture university of Allahabad. It kept on growing with us. We have seen every bit of the development and we have learnt how to manage the change…how to improve and how to take care of the improvement.
Oh what a great school!!!...during the starting years I remember we could hear bomb explosions inside the campus…guys of secondary riding bikes inside the corridor…they taught us how to cross roads! Students carrying pistols and knives and pointing them to the teachers if by mistake they showed any bit of anger. But all through this I had the company of people who had the fear of doing such things so I also never attempted. Till then the new building of the school had been constructed and it was the best time to start senior secondary but Mr. N.L. Singh our princi waited for one more year so that he can get rid of the worst batch the school had ever had. Intelligent. That was the turning point because thereafter the graph has always grown.
Discipline was introduced for the first time…reduced bunking, regular classes, proper uniform, prayers, attendance…and Education. Everything was getting better. They had started fixing grills around the centre field which later on became the first garden of the school. Then we had the Basket-ball courts inside it. I wonder from where did they manufacture those good players…and that’s not it…even one of the guard was a national player of basket-ball. The construction of the top floor of the new building had started and a new feature was introduced…rumor. Everybody had their own imagination about it. Some said its going to be a swimming pool…while according to some it was the hostel…some had the feeling it would be an audi while some had gone far enough to imagine it as a degree college. Who knew that the princi had everything in mind but it was none of the above.
Our field had a new boundary and stadium now…we were very thrilled and were looking forward to participate in sports that year…what motivation does an addition in the infrastructure brings. The student teacher relation had shaped up so well that we suggested for student v/s staff football and cricket tournaments that year for the first time in the history. That was 1998…it took 6 years for that and much more…we had badminton courts, our uniform was changed, cultural events, NCC, computer Lab. , coaching for sports like cricket, football, basket-ball, boxing etc and guess what, the top floor had now…science labs, bigger classrooms for senior secondary, a much bigger and better library and a fully equipped auditorium.
It was 1999 and the summer vacations were just over…I was excited. Entered school after a long time…same old friends, same teachers, same guards, same princi… same family. Same walls but no…there was some thing more…a condude running all through the walls going inside every classroom with a strange hole at the top rear corner covered with glass and a speaker…and there were rumours again…the most strange one being…”it’s the camera that bloddy princi has installed in every class to monitor us so that we don’t steal anything from his property as though we belong to a family of thieves”…and we laughed at it. We were stupid…it was the camera to monitor the activities of every class and the speaker to keep things in control from a remote place…no points for guessing that one…princi’s cabin of course.
Our princi had a vision…he transformed a war field to a temple of education. He transformed our present which was our future back then which could have been much worse…it could have been guns and knives but it’s a pen and a guitar…it could have been rage and anger but its wisdom and happiness, it could have been a jail buts it’s the Delhi airport and I am a responsible citizen of the country.
There are some teachers also who have their own priceless contribution in making me the person I am. Starting with Mrs. Dutt…she taught us in Upper KG and never forgot our names…she remembered each one of us…bigger memory than google…and she is a loving soul…she always had the warmth we used to get from her when we were kids. Mrs. Halsey was also very loving but she left school, Mr. Ghosh and Mr. Lartius were our entertainment duo…then the revision and canes of Mr. Hanvey and the class room training and games period of Mr. Dutt…our sports in charge. Mrs. Yafat ki aafat aur Mrs. Washington ka confusion…they were cute. Mrs Rawate ke physics ke funde aur Mr. Tiwari ke BASIC logic building lectures. Mr. Peter ki dinge aur Mr. Sharma ki fizool bakwaas. Mr. Areal of course…he didn’t teach us that much but he was a good teacher. Mrs. Srivastava ki beautiful smile aur Mrs. Singh ka perfect attitude. Ek taraf the aalsi langdu Mishra aur ek taraf Mrs. Harold aur Mr. Das jaise hard working teachers. Mrs. Mall who taught us history civics and some English as well…I remember making a file that she had asked all of us to prepare…which she found the best an encouraged me a lot and I got some recognition for my work in the class…and Sushant who happened to be a very good friend of mine was humiliated in front of the whole class because his work was being compared with mine…why he???...his full name is Sushant Mall and he is still my one of the best buddies and will always be. Last but not at all the least in fact the most important of all Mrs. David who taught us many things of life…how to love…how to be polite…how to volunteer…how to take a responsibility…how to think creative, I remember that bulletin board competition of class 9th when Rohit showed all his enthu and creativity and helped me open my eyes and taught me to think beyond boundaries. I will fall short of words to describe my feelings for her because she is the creator of my creativity…she gave us such opportunities that we are blessed with such memories.
Then there were two picnics both to Siddhanath ki Dari…one in 9th and one in 11th and both were ultimate experiences.
I don’t want to elaborate much on friends because it will become too long…just mentioning the names…Sushant, Rohit, Abhishek, Nishith, Garima,Vandana, Megha, Nami, Nisha, Utsav, Ravish, Shalini, Shilpi, Parul, Mansi, Shailendra, Gaurav, Mohd. Mauz, Sharath,Shera, Nadeem, Varun Kumar, Varun Lalwani, Anurag, Vibhakar, Ankit, Rajiv, Saurabh, Ashutosh, Shailja, Ashwin and the list is unending. Only a few of us are still together…we were always together right from ground zero and will always be…I can’t tell you what these guys mean to me because they are parts of me…I could not have survived without them and now I can’t live without them.

feel like crying...

it was the time when my grandmother died...the first death in front of me...i did not cry...why? i don't know...maybe it was better...at least she didn't have to bear that pain of that cancer again which was there engulfing her bladder...but everybody around was weeping...she actually was no more.

a strange thought struck me...maybe i am grown enough to cry...maybe i understand the harsh reality of life...or maybe in the confusion of what to do to be a good student or sportsman or son i forgot the emotions...i was a kid then.

i kept on thinking about this for many years...I had not cried after most painful accidents...I had not cried after getting scolded for getting failed in the papers...I had not cried in shame after getting caught red handed while cheating from a chit in the exam. I used to tell people “I can never cry…mere aansu sookh gaye hai(my tear glands have dried)”

You know what it feels when a person cries??? lemme try...oh come on u can gimme 1 chance. gale me achanak vacuum create hone lagta hai(vacuum in the throat), and it becomes dry as though all water has been supplied to the eyes to let go the tears...you can't breath anymore...some kind of pressure is formed inside the face which feels like it’s about to explode...but as soon as that tiny little drop of water trickles from either eye...or for that matter even nose...that pressure is relieved...huh! embarrassing for guys yaar...who cries???Well...i do...yeah but not when i am sad. i cry when i am really happy or when i see some emotional scene...like the one in 3 idiots when both FARHANITRATE and PRERAJULIZATION get their jobs and come to Rancho to say "jahan panah tussi gr8 ho...tohfa qubool kijiye"...i couldn't stop myself to cry sitting beside my sister...well she knows me nothing to worry about. You know when things really touch me in movies?...when somebody does something which makes their parents or teachers or lovers really proud...i also wanna be the same...somebody who can make a difference.

I really liked it when dad said "your guitar teacher is a good teacher, even I wanna try some strumming"...i was strumming the chords of 'papa kehte hai...' and was singing along. That poor fellow doesn't understand that it’s not my teacher but my brother whom he should give the credit...he is my inspiration...he is my strength. He was happy listening to that…I forgot to thank him…well it would have been unnecessarily dramatic…guys don’t do that…you don’t thank your friend, do u? But it made me happy…my father who happens to be the biggest pessimist on earth, who seems to have taken an oath to criticize others for the smallest problems faced ever since childhood, who if given a choice to encourage somebody and stop breathing might chose the latter. That person had said the above mentioned words…that was BIG.
Well I am drifting away from the topic…let’s sail back. I said I may never cry…oh come on…try engineering…you cannot come out without crying…but do leave home if you wanna experience real engineering stuff and join the hostel. Or try falling in love…but when you love don’t think otherwise…don’t lose your trust…don’t listen to others…when you love…just Love. Listen to what your heart says and not your ego...its real life my friends…to be in true love is not anybody’s game. I will ask you how does it feel like when your true love is ignored…when people behave absolutely opposite of what they recently were…when they out of nowhere find it hard to even recognize you…when they do not hesitate in lying to the person who trusted them the most…just to avoid him…it feels like crying…it really feels like crying…but I don’t cry…I don’t cry for such people…I don’t cry when I am sad…Well these days I only cry while watching movies…thanks Amir you reminded me how to cry.
It really feels good if you don’t holdback your emotions and let go…feel the freedom…don’t hesitate because of embarrassment…if you feel like laughing…laugh loudly…and the world will laugh with you…and if you really really feel like crying…cry…no matter if you cry alone.

Engineering Lessons Part 1

I recently was listening to my friend who was playing Annie's song on his acoustic guitar unplugged...oh boy!!! He really played well...I could make out the sound of every note that was in the original composition with the absolutely correct rhythm!!! How can anybody do that???Thats my target, thats how well i should be playing. Another day i was in the pool and was trying my speed and stamina...10 minutes of continuous freestyle and i had just covered 3 complete rounds of the breadth or 60 m whichever sounds more respectful...well none i suppose coz thats too slow. I must work hard,need to spend more time in the pool.How can I manufacture some more hours for myself in the day? I know I can't.In the common hall with table tennis bat in the right hand struggling to defeat the opponent and everytime a smash shattered my defenses i lost the hope of winning.
Like most of the youth I also don't want to continue a job oriented life for too long. With many business plans in the mind and no money in the pocket we just chat about it that someday we will have a setup of our own. Why not!! But when and how? Well...is becoming a writer also in the list??? Of course not.And yes last but not the least...I wanna have a good enough physique...why??...you all know why.
So many things to learn

so much money to earn.

Everyday there is a new goal to work upon

can't just focus on one.

That is when i became an engineer. All the four years of college life I easily waisted in deciding which way to go. When i started working for 1 thing other goals would start attracting me. Confusions confusions confusions...where is the focus? LOST. There were only 2 questions:-

i) Why I should do it?

ii) Why I should not do it?

The bad part was...many answers for question(ii) but not a single answer for (i) the outcome was null.
Don't think that I have been thinking about myself only. There was a lot to confess to dear ones, many questions to be asked but being a 5 pointer and moreover a confused personality I could hardly gain confidence to speak. Always wanted to achieve something before opening my big mouth.
As they say 'better late than never' final sem was the time when i realised that to express something or to confess something you don't need to have an achievement in your resume...you just have to say it from the bottom of your heart. In fact if you achieve something and then say...it won't be from the core it would be a formality. Its a win win situation and when you are on the safe side you cannot "confess". Its just like you are proposing a girl and it doesn't matter what the answer is, u don't have a problem if it is a "NO". It can't be true love.
So i picked up my phone and went through the phonebook...it took me half an hour and I burst into tears.Two more weeks and things were better than normal. Another chapter to be closed...phonebook again...and I dialed a "U". No matter what she said was true or not...accepting it as a truth was good enough to forget her. I felt aloneness...there is a difference in loneliness and aloneness...aloneness is not painful, its when you are complete and happy with no one else around. I felt freedom.Doing something is always better than not doing anything.

I thought over my list again...some things were deleted some were added. First things first. I started with guitar first and fortunately I got company this time to practice with, three good friends. Then came summer and I was in the pool again and now I know three styles other than freestyle.I am consistent this time, I don't think about question (ii) anymore. Only two things at a time and the confusion is gone.There is a lot to do but I will wait...at least I am not wasting my time and I have plans to utilize my future as well.

my first love...

though i ve never been into a relationship called love...but i have loved once...loved her so very much that i can't remember anyone or anything else of that phase of life(that was in the mid of class 12th) i could never express her the way i should have i realised it later...she knew it and she loved me too...don't know how much but yes she did or be it a misconception it gives me strength and thats not a bad bargain...i don't regret whatever happened whatever i lost, in fact i thank God for blessing me with the so far best memories of my life...my first love. On the day of the 2nd Board paper I spoke to her for the last time and then I parted from her and the best part was that i parted bringing a smile on her face...pure happiness...joy from the bottom of her heart...that was the time when i felt like i have done something no one else could have done, i felt so strong that day that i can defeat any trouble...to keep that smile blossoming i could have done anything...i could have died or taken a million lives whatever is required. what i wanted was nothing more than a sign of acceptance that yes she loved me too...she gave it to me that day...I love you and will always do...can't love anyone else so madly...i miss many of others but i don't miss you...sounds strange isn't it...no the truth is she never parted from me...she is there watching me from beside...enjoys every moment of happiness that i bring...keeps me from doing wrong...feels proud on some act of kindness...boasts at my achievements...soothes my grievances...feels sad at my failures...cries when i am too busy to even think of her...I can't stop loving her...tu hai aasman mein teri ye zami hai, tu jo hai to sab kuch hai na koi kami hai, tu hi dil hai tu hi jaan bhi hai, tu khushi hai aasra bhi, teri chahat zindagi hai, tu muhobbat...tu ashiqui hai.